Why Does This Hurt So Much and What Are We Really Missing?
Why Does This Hurt So Much and What Are We Really Missing?
I keep reading comments to the affect of: "Do you really want to be with a person like that?" "Do you want him back, knowing what you know?" "Do you want to be with someone who has lied to you and treated you this way?, etc."
No, we don't want to be with someone like that, but that doesn't take the damn pain away! We are hurting so much, looking at all the evidence and coming to grips with the reality, and NO, we don't want to be back with them! That won't make the pain go away, but only make it worse in the long run or even short run.
We want to be free of this extreme pain they have left us in, being rejected and mistreated in such cruel ways that I wouldn't believe if I hadn't experienced it for myself and read about it here over and over again! I swear, you can't make this kind of crazy up! And even when we know "it's not personal" and they will do it to the next one, and they're lying, and they're hurting you on purpose (even though it's not personal), and they're projecting, and they're crazy.... it still hurts like nothing we've ever experienced before!
So I think on days when we're expressing our sadness and pain, it has nothing to do with ever having them back or wishing we could have worked things out (to endure more abuse), but dealing with the ultimate betrayal of everything we believed about them. Feeling utterly devalued and rejected in every single way that no-one who hasn't lived through it can appreciate. In normal relationships, when you need/want to end things for various reasons, don't you try to break it to the other person in the easiest way possible, knowing there is no easy way? Don't you try to protect their feelings? Don't you worry about breaking their heart?
In these situations, these considerations don't even apply and you get the exact opposite. Instead of the N/P trying to deliver bad news in a way that is merciful and compassionate, in a way that will hurt us the least amount possible, they do the exact opposite. Not only do they not look for ways to soften the blow, they set us up for the ultimate pain that we can experience when they delightfully deliver their final blow. They are ruthless and look for ways to hurt us the most that they can, only to skip away laughing and singing about how they D&D'd us. THIS is what hurts so damn much.
When I'm having a bad day and feeling utterly depressed and sad, it isn't because I want him back. It's not so much about how I miss something that never was anymore (well, maybe a little). At this stage, it's because of how much he's HURT me. I see so much talk about missing the pretend nice guy, and we did at first. But at a certain point in this recovery process, I think it's about missing US. They DESTROYED us in every way possible and how much of our pain is about THAT and NOT about them? And there's just coming to grips with how we BELIEVED them and they BETRAYED us in every way possible. I mean, have ANY of us ever experienced such utter betrayal on every single level of the human spectrum?
I used to be happy and content in comparison to what I am now. Even if my marriage wasn't perfect and I was lonely, I was relatively at peace with it, even though there was a restless side the N tapped into. I was productive and positive and now I'm a shell of my former self (still, after 12 weeks NC and over 5 months since I last saw him). I'm unmotivated and depressed. I'm sad and I struggle each day just to get through it. I don't get 1/4 of what I used to get done on any given day. I miss ME! And I can't believe he DID this to ME! WTF? Without ME at my full, functioning self, I can't relate to the other people in my life that I love the way I'm supposed to. I just want to be over ALL of it! I want to be happy again.
These fuckers are wrecking balls in our lives and all we did was believe in them and trust them. We were good to them and loved them and they ultimately kicked us in the teeth for it and then some.
Smitten kitten
With you
I WANT TO KILL THE BASTARD! Where is the justice?
Here kitty kitty
Not sure I understand your message, but it sounds funny
Soaper
I love the idea of him getting together with a cougar
Too personal
I know it's not personal, but still....
Smitten kitten
I have this thought, too -- BUT
Smitten--Do you feel powerless?
No, I don't feel powerless.
Just thought of another one
Boy do I second that!! I'm 3
Smitten
Interesting Observations SM - Cutting the Psychic Cords
Yes, Psychic Cords
Thank you everyone
Wrecking Balls
At the final D&D when mine
Great Analogy
smiten kitten
smitten, I can so relate to
wacaet
I was (and am) in a constant
I hear you. Believe me, I
Smitten Kitten
Jen79-how insightful
Smiiten Kitten it is painful