I'm just getting to a place where my life is really stable. Yet, I'm bored, and find myself missing the drama of the past, and a past relationship with a narcissist (which almost destroyed me). I'm having dreams about the way I used to be (resentful, doing things I don't want to do, etc.) and waking up in a panic. Then, after a few minutes of hard thinking realising....that isn't my life anymore. What is ahead for me? I really just don't know.....has anyone else dealt with this fear of being stable?
Yes, I do deal with it.
Yes, I do deal with it. Things were crazy when I was kid, (I'm 58 now), and I chose dysfunctional relationships thinking they were kinda the norm. I was attracted to chaos and craziness, it was famailiar. When I left the narc last year things were so quiet I would wait for the phone call or text or email, just to break the boredom.
I finally realized that boredom is really peace and calm. Coming home at 5:30 and having no drama or chaos til bedtime is how alot of people live, just not me.
Now I do and it is nice and quiet, and I like that I can have excitment by going out, but that my home is safe, secure, and narc free!
ds
Ella Fan
This is a great question and shows me that you are doing the work. You are beginning to look at yourself and what in you, may have contributed to staying in a relationship which as you say, almost destroyed you.
Many I have worked with have described how the relationship with the PD was exciting, thrilling, intoxicating, and brought something into their lives which they felt prior to the PD, was missing or lacking.
This is insightful on your part, because this is the biggest lure of the PD. Life with a PD is at the very least, not boring. It is unpredictable, full of mystery, surprises, drama, suspense, and chaos. While in the beginning, it is exciting and perhaps you feel like you are with the most amazing person on the planet and then you often feel as though you are in the throes of a relationship with the enemy; the devil himself; a rollercoaster ride with continuous highs and lows, push pull, where living in a state of perpetual confusion becomes the norm.
This is all part of the initial lure and part of the disengaging process from the PD. Accepting and acknowledging that life without the PD may not hold as much intrique and allure. That deep sense of emptiness, quiet, peace, mundane, day to day living has returned now that the PD is no longer a part of your life.
The contrast can feel startling in the beginning. Your life has gone from a three ring circus to what may appear as a big empty dark meaningless hole.
This of course is not the case, it's just that the contrast is a shock to your system.
This becomes a journey back to yourself and beginning to fill that emptiness and hole with perhaps an even more meaningful and fulfilling relationship with yourself and your own lifes dreams and goals.
Many in recovery on here have described it as an even deeper richer connection with themselves than they had before because now you value yourself, your life, and have learned how easily it can all be taken from you in a flash, when you let the wrong person into your life.
This is a great time for healing, reflection, and growing even more as person with your spirituality, needs and wants, setting bounderies, and looking at your part in all that brought you to this place and what you want to do with the rest of your life.
The PD's take so much from us and leave us with so little and if I could say the one thing which I have gained from this horror and ordeal is a deeper understanding of myself and a realization that my sense of excitement needs to come from within and with those who are loving and caring of the real me.
God bless,
Goldie
Great question, Ella Fan!
Like Goldie said, asking this question shows that you are doing the work. You are looking at yourself now. This is a big part of the process of recovering from these abusive relationships and I commend you for having the courage to do so.
Granted, finding ourself again happens later in the recovery process because the first part is trying to understand why the narc behaves the way he/she does and realizing it has nothing to do with you. You have done nothing wrong, but believe in the goodness of another person. Please remember that.
What you bring up is so very insightful and took me years to look at honestly. Like Goldie said:
"Many I have worked with have described how the relationship with the PD was exciting, thrilling, intoxicating, and brought something into their lives which they felt prior to the PD, was missing or lacking."
Also, as she said....
"The PD's take so much from us and leave us with so little and if I could say the one thing which I have gained from this horror and ordeal is a deeper understanding of myself and a realization that my sense of excitement needs to come from within and with those who are loving and caring of the real me."
Remember Goldie's words, keep soul searching and you will find yourself again. As Sinead O'Connor sings in "Feel So Different" in the end we must each realize "All I need is inside me."
We must define ourselves and stop relying on a significant other to do that for us. We create our own excitement in life just as I believe we create our own destiny. Tap into your creativity, start a new hobby, explore the world on an exotic vacation, move your body to music.....do things to get in touch with yourself and you will find what you need. It takes time, but you are well on your way to finding it and you should be very proud of yourself for digging so deep. Keep up the good work! xoxo
there is an excitement to being whisked away
yet in they end up tossing us in the trash...I am so sorry your dealing with this mess...what craziness...yet it makes sense to miss the action, when the "real world" is more subtle.
Thats cause their world is not real. The technicolor view is a splattered lied. Taking the flights, the excitement of not expecting the new adventure. Yet looking back, even with all I gave and believed--there was a strange let down. The let down's revealing lies.
The concrete foundation doesn't allow us to get as swept away because our core values are to think of reprecussions--these shell-lings are not capable of thinking of how their actions hurt/devalue others, its only selfish gratification.
When your a partner to this, its the life of the party, elation & electricty. The aftermath is when the shock of how they can turn to someone else and whisk them away, while you look up from the trash bin asking, "What just happened?".
Their flight they take us on can only sustain spurts of energy, we provide that energy. Once we want true reciprocating behavior (say: Commitment?)they shmuzz the lines, but theres always the underlying discomfort that they are not quite right.
SPLAT!
Our questions = our freefall...
hurt...
questions...
pain...
why...?
analyzing...
wasn't I worth more?
Didn't he say I was worth more...?
Maybe I am worth more...
Freefall...
in...
to...
freedom...!
Its okay to miss the drama, this too shall pass :)
Blessings y Abrazos! :)
Thank you!
The most comforting thing for me at this point is to know that this is an experience that others have shared. So, I do not feel alone. You know, I agree. Within days of me distancing myself the first time, he was pursuing and old girlfriend, and unbeknownst to her, was in contact with the girlfriend before that. When he invited her to coffee, in an unfamilliar area, she said "Don't lose me." His response? "I haven't yet, have I?" Soon after she emailed him and told him to have a nice life and to never speak to her again. Soon (days) he was back pursuing the most recent ex.
When he was first pursuing me, he was skyping and daily phoning both of the above, trying to break the engagement of another ex girlfriend, and heaven knows what else, along with having a full time internship. When did the guy sleep? I found this out much later, and it really made me hate him because he had me thinking at the time that my insecurity was based on my emotional instability and brokenness.
As soon as I was no longer availible for his fix, he went to the current girl. She saw him go back and forth between his last ex and me like a yo-yo when things weren't working well. But at best, I was the stand in. Not the one he even honored enough to officially introduce as his girlfriend. He told me that he felt like he had to 'explain me' to his long time friends. You can imagine how much THAT hurt, and on some level, still does.
Here lately, my feeling is that getting back with the most recent ex is because his reputation is so bad here, in our small community with women that she is all he has. That would have once made me feel sorry for him. Now, I think it is the perfect revenge. Two totally unstable people...stuck with each other.
The sad thing....he has devoted guy friends who believe all his lies, and its like they lived in a seperate world. They saw all he did to hurt me/others, but they are loyal and defend him like a tiger. What's up with that?
Ella Fan: "The sad
The stage I am at
Hi all,
Thank you so much for this post. It was just what I needed to read. I have gone 8 months no contact. Although things are getting better, I still have moments of great pain from my experience with my ex narc. They come in waves but I guess the more I work on me, the quicker the healing happens. I definitely can relate to this post. Searching for answers now to improve my life, trying to make the burden actually a blessing in disguise. Hard work but I'm sure it's worth it in the long run. The part I hate most is when I find myself 'slipping' back into the pain. You feel you've come so far, then all of a sudden the pain hits you out of no where and you start thinking about the past and asking questions again. It's like you want the drama back in your life but can't understand why as it was just pure hell at the time. I'm learning to understand as you have all stated that this drama was just an illusion and not real at all. It was a story, a fabrication. What I feel now is not actually boredom and emptiness but instead peace, calm and regaining my sanity ( as well as withdrawal from a toxic relationship that was built on lies). It's so comforting to know that I am not alone in this.