agnesmurphy17's story
agnesmurphy17's story
I left my N after knowing him 3 1/2 years. We met on line. Even from the beginning I felt something was rigid, stiff, & inflexible. He was from a foreign country, recently divorced out of a 20+ year marriage, & was breaking up with the woman for whom he left his wife & with whom he came to the States. Red Flags? Duh. Oddities I felt, I passed off as lack of fluency in English. He & I saw each other rarely the 1st six months & e-mailed also rarely. When I first met him, he had just broken up with his girlfirend & she had left the States to do research abroad. Then she returned & they were trying again. As he was one of many men with whom I may have had dinner & e-mailed, I was like, fine. We e-mailed over a crisis he had. Met at the symphony two times because somebody gave him free tickets. He was just one of many whom I might see socially.
After 6 months he finally broke up with the girlfriend, he asked her to leave & she did. At that point in time, our relationship took off. I was lonely. He seemingly wanted to have a quiet life of being together. He was very educated, successful. Introduced me to his folks who embraced me immediately--instant family for me. Travel. A whirlwind romance. Very good-looking, physically fit, very well-employed, ex-wife & child in another country, & could repair the house & the computer. Wanted a clean & orderly house &, therefore, hired a cleaning lady. The man is seemingly perfect! (The only thing he did not want to master was laundry.)
After 4 months together, he started to look for a place to purchase. His employment was fronting him a substantial mortgage. He wanted me to purchase with him. I said I would only purchase property with somebody I was married to. He wasn't ready. Fine. I didn't really care. I was very happy with the way things were. One day he took me with his realtor to see a lovely house, right near his work, on a pond. BUT the house was out of his price range, because, holding a work visa he was not able to get a US Bank loan. He asked me to marry him the day he saw the house. I said a house is no reason to get married. He said, no . . . he saw us together in the house, he loved me, wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Also, within two months of our relationship he started talking about marriage. After a decade of dealing with men who wanted sex but not a relationship, N was refreshing. I deliberately threw all caution to the wind, I set out on a awfully big adventure. (I still had illusions of romance in those days. I still had a belief in the essential goodness of mankind.) Within 6 weeks we were married & closed on the house. You see, I put up the portion of the purchase money he could not make.
His Jeckyll-Hyde persona emerged within 4 weeks of moving into the house. But this was a HIGHLY educated individual. His profession is philosophy & he reads psychology all the time. He twisted & manipulated my vulnerabilities. I said to him once, other people do not find me to be x, y & z. My ex-husband, my colleagues, & friends don't have these problems with me. He says, well, only our most intimate partners know the truth about us. Those other people do not know you as I do. Whoa! The man really messed with my head. And he would become ENRAGED at the drop of a hat over any petty detail--my omissions & commissions. I became submissive out of fear. He cycled every 7-10 days. Then 3 days of silence. (I kept a journal.)
Within 6 months of the marriage, he was threatening divorce once a month & always stating he would get the house. Once he told me that he would help me get an apartment. I could leave my money in the house as a good investment. You see, he could not get a US bank loan without a Green Card. So he would stay in the house with my money; & I would move into an apartment. He had it all planned from the very beginning.
Our first wedding anniversary, I bought him gifts & was preparing him a special dinner of his favorites--he didn't get me anything: "I didn't think you would want to celebrate." (Playing with my head using his projections.) I was very unhappy & thought to leave but I had just married, moved, all my money was in the house & his renovations had bled me dry of my income. He had me believing that I was nothing without him & that I could not support myself alone (as I had been doing before I met him & as I do now). & I had hope for Dr. Jeckyll returning forever, not just a few days a week.
I started to take sedatives for my anxiety. Every abusive episode, I'd sedate myself. The dose went up & up & I became more & more dependent. After 1 1/2 years of marriage, I stopped taking sedatives. The first four months of withdrawal I was in such physical & psychological pain. My N was outraged that I had inconvenienced him in this manner. Somehow my pain was greater than anything he was doing to me . . . but he was just awful, although I have little memory of that time. After the withdrawal, I felt so guilty about how I treated him when I was withdrawing--that is, I was distracted, self-absorbed, anxious, basically, NOT devoted to him entirely for almost three months. So I tried to focus on him . . . do all the things he wanted me to do. For a month or two I was trying very, very hard to please him.
Then shortly after our 2nd anniversary there was an abusive episode which became very physical for the first time. Generally he was verbally & psychologicaly abusive (physical had been only blocking, slight pushing, threatening violence). After this physical episode I became very upset (more upset than usual). In an effort to comfort me, my N suggested that we commit suicide together! I was shaken to the core. He was losing control over me & he sensed it. Thereafter, he escalated the abuse in an effort to regain control & my submission. On one hand, I was disengaging, on the other hand, I was still clinging to the hope that I could "make the relationship work." Also, I was very afraid that I was the crazy one & really just imagining that he was evil personified. In the last few months THE LOOK in his eyes was horrific--I was struck dumb & a thought entered my mind: "I have seen the face of evil." Either I was crazy or he was crazy.
In a discussion, a week after the sucide pact suggestion, he told me: "I was never emotionally or sexually connected to you. I married you because I believed that my love for you would transform you as [ex-girlfriend's] love transformed me." I was stunned. A few days later, he wanted sex. I told him that he was going to have to explain the not being emotionally or sexually connected thing before the deed. He went WILD & out-of-control! Scared me & scared himself. The next morning he told me that we had to go into family therapy or else he would divorce me. I said, divorce me. I knew he was toying with my mind. He'd kept his ex-wife in the marriage some 20 years & they were always in therapy. I knew therapy was a means to control me. I realized one night shortly thereafter: I know why they murder the kids, the wife, & then turn the gun on themselves (maybe)--this man does not see me as a separate person. When he says, we are one -- he means it! I am his to dispose of as he wishes. I did end up in family therapy just to keep the peace. What another violation by the therapist! He had her hoodwinked.
I planned my escape. Within five months of the proposed suicide pact, I was out of there. But I made the mistake of telling him I was leaving shortly before I left. The last four weeks before I left my life was a living nightmare. A roller coaster! His weeping & wailing. A two year old sobbing throughout the night. Then the threats & the rage. Dr. Jyckell & Mr. Hyde would alternate within minutes. Portrayed himself to the world as a devastated man whose depressed & drug addicted wife just cruelly abandoned him!
One of his female friends who comforted him -- she brought in her friend for support. Her friend is a recently-divorced psychiatrist. (I met the psychiatist once at a social function when I was living with my N still. I have her card. She was a very nice woman.) Exactly five months after I left my N, this female psychiatrist moved into the house I still own. My N is very secretive & doen't want me to know that he's got another woman. My N still plays up the broken heart thing for sympathy. He's in "recovery" & "mourning" the loss of the relationship. Teaches only one course this semester but gets his full salary (his chairman was so touched by N's grief).
Life with my N was rather similar to living in a 19th century Gothic novel--The Mysteries of Udolpho--type of thing. After a year and a half of marriage, my N got a Green Card from his employment, hence, eligible for a US bank loan. My N is buying out my share at a discounted rate because there has been a crash in the market since we purchased. Plus every penny I earned while we lived together went into the house--he gets to keep all the money for renovations with the house. My N says, too bad, you made a bad investment--the market crashed. He thinks he's being very generous. Has portrayed me as a grasping, money grubber to others!
I knew when he got the Green Card my time was limited. This was all about a house, sex, & laundry -- in that order. Our 3rd wedding anniversary just passed. Very soon I will get my money from the house & get my divorce. He wants it over ASAP. He has deleted me. He replaced me very quickly. Just as he replaced the ex-girlfriend very quickly with me. Just as he replaced his ex-wife with the girlfriend. He always has another lined up before leaving. But I was the first to abandon him. For the first time in his life he lost control for a few moments. (I have no satisfaction in this because I have literally paid money to get away from him.)
I thought I was crazy when I lived with him. I suffered panic & anxiety attacks which never had happened before in my life. My hands would shake constantly towards the end even when I was alone at my job. All that stopped shortly after I left him. When I went to move out my furniture & the psychiatrist opened the door & showed me around my own house, I felt very crazy. She told me which rooms I could enter & which I could not. (Basically trying to hide her stuff from me.) My N once told me, it was the tragedy of his life that he fell in love with women who were so emotionally damaged from their childhood traumas -- this was in reference to my past, another of his mind game put-downs. Anyhow, I know the drill he has told psychiatrist to get her to admire & adore him & to wait on him hand & foot. Convince her what a lucky, middle-aged woman she is to have another chance at romance with a man who is seemingly perfect.
I realized, this N committed crimes against a criminal defense attorney. Many criminals are narcissists, but I never understood what that meant until I personally got caught in the web of a narcissist. My N will commit psychological manipulations against psychiatrist (and crimes as well). She may have passed the psychiatric boards, but she didn't really understand what narcissism meant, only words in a definition. But she will learn & very soon.
You know, I liked her when I met her at the social function while I was still living with my N. I even asked for her card so she & I could meet socially. This was exactly one month before I left my N. But if I tried to warn her now, she'd only think: I am jealous & crazy, or both. How could any woman not be happy with this perfect man? She sees him as kind & sensitive & gentle. Just as I did.
Pattern
agnes
His New Woman
The End
Ugh!
Agnes
also
read your blog
What a set up
he sounds lovely!
Hello AgnesMurphy17
It will be interesting...
OMG...your story scares me
welcome agnesmurphy17