Hi,
Narc and I have been separated almost 2 years and divorced a little over a year. I'm still having a difficult time processing it all, and Narc does rear his head one way or another every couple of months, which mostly I ignore.
Story & question - We had 2 dogs, one was his when we got together and then we got another one while we were together. I kept the dogs for a long time when we separated and divorced. And about 6 months ago, I could not handle it any longer, seeing their sad faces, feeling guilty about what had happened to them, and not being able to take care of myself, that I asked Narc to take them and he did.
Then Narc moved out of town 5 months ago, and asked me more than once if I could take the dogs back. Each time I ignored, b/c I felt like he wanted to dump them, so he can have responsibility free life, while I've got it all.
Then just a few weeks ago, I was thinking about the dogs and that I may want them back. Narc must be able to read my mind or pickup my signals, because last weekend I got seven drunk dial calls from him and in one of his messages he went on about what a "bad dad" he was and how the dogs look at him and they are thinking about me, or something like that. I know he was looking for supply and drunk, but I responded and told him I wanted the dogs back.
Now I'm conflicted. I still feel very guilty and responsible for the dogs. And I don't want my resentment and hate for Narc to keep me from doing what I think is right, and that's taking the boys back. Because they'd have a better life with me. But then I also feel manipulated by Narc. He's probably got another OW and the dogs/responsibility he doesn't want anymore. So why is it all my responsibility???
I'm just so confused. Please tell me what you would do, or what you think. Any advice is greatly appreciated!
Have a blessed day...
Motives
This is not unlike dealing with child custody issues. I have to be completely honest here and I am having trouble answering this question.
What are your motives and I ask this of both of you, even though you are the one asking the question. You give him the dogs and he wants them and then he doesn't want them and now you question your decision.
This is a difficult question to answer without having all of the details. Do these dogs need to be kept together? I am assuming yes because they have bonded as a pair now, correct? Otherwise, I would say, he keep the dog he had to begin with and you take the other one if this would not be too disturbing to the dogs. Hard for me to say without knowing the dogs ages and their relationship with each other.
Also, if you think that you cannot afford or handle the dogs, it is perfectly o.k. to say no, especially because he already had one of the dogs to begin with and my guess would be that it was him who wanted the second dog. Is this the case?
Don't take them back over guilt, if your initial instinct was that you cannot handle them alone, then this would still be the case if you take them back and he could be using this dog thing to hoover.
Trust your instinct and do what is best for you here.
God bless,
Goldie