Hi,
My narc left town 18 months ago dumping our children at daycare with all thier possessions and not teling them or me where or when he wlould be back,.
NOW he suddenly wants to see them at xmas time this year after not talking to them in over 18 months- and he says I am being manipulative and poisoning thier minds!! omg this does not make sense.
I have gone no contact since jan 1st 2010 and I have made him deal thru my solictior for corrospondence however now he just wants to waltz into their lives give them gifts and them waltz back out again after xmas. how is this fair on the children- oh but if i dont ALLOW him to then Iam the worst in the world. I always wanted him to see them on a regular basis... but he said he had enough of that??
What is wrong with this picture??
No one seems to know what is best for ths kids- he doesnt care when they said they truly don't want to see him as they don;t trust him now. They are only 5 and 8.
To him they are possesions and can be used and discarded as it suits him.
The kids and I have come so far... we are happy, they eat properly and have real friends. why does he suddenly want to see them and not commit to anything?
Empathy.
Co-parenting with a PD
This is the biggest challenge in practicing NC, when there are children involved. Whether they are your children together with the PD or they were brought into the relationship prior.
Each case has it's own personal set of circumstances and there is no easy answer or solution. Many communicate through email, text, phone, or a 3rd party depending on what works best for you.
Often mediation, counseling, and legal arrangements are necessary, otherwise the PD will continue to try and push your buttons and those of the children.
His comments to you are a strong indication that he is already trying to push your buttons, putting the blame on you and sending you the message that if you don't agree to his wishes than you are "no good."
Pure rubbish, you are fine and a wonderful mother or you would not even be asking this question.
You have every right at this point to set bounderies with him and what he can and cannot do, in terms of coming in and out of their lives as he pleases.
I don't know your particular Narc, and I would require more details to give you the best answer.
Keep in mind that it is O.K. to say no, unless you have a legally binding court order in place and if that is the case, I would report to the court that he does not see the children and wants to pounce in and out at will and you do not feel as though this is healthy for your children, which of course it is not. They may request that you both see a counselor. I am not sure if he or you would be willing or able to meet with a therapist or mediator.
I will say that as a mother you need to trust your instincts and you know him better than we do. If your gut tells you that it would be unhealthy for your children and you are not required to comply, I would say, don't.
This is odd that he is setting this up now, a few months before Christmas. Is he out of the country or area?
I would prefer to answer questions regarding children, case by case.
These are my initial thoughts, I would need more details and if you want to PM me or schedule a one on one session, I am available for this.
God bless,
Goldie