Angry, hurting, and wanting revenge

Why do I want to hurt him as much as he hurt me? We met when I was going thru a messy divorce from another narcissist which I didn't know what that was at the time. I was at my lowest and J was there for me. He told me all the right things, everything I needed to hear. We were going to conquer the world together. I did, he didn't. Every success I had was another nail in the coffin. Our entire existence was a passive-aggressive dance.

I landed my dream job in another state and relocated in 2007. He sold his business and followed a year later. Using the money from the sell of his business, he wanted to be a professional poker player. I said fine, do what makes you happy. Well, he lost almost all of that money and spiraled into a deep depression. I thought if I showed him my love and support it would help him. I didn't know this is part of his PD. Yes, I would get crumbs of affection. Like an addict, I craved it. I've jokingly called him a narcissist and he agreed. Little did I know what that truly meant.

He continued to play poker and lives for his online video games. He has a clique in the video game which he'd rather spend time with rather than me. I realize now, his gaming and poker buddies are his primary supply. I was secondary. In May, I hit my breaking point and told him what I thought about his treatment of me. I told him that if this was the way my life was going to be then I didn't want to live that way. I wish he had the balls to take me up on it instead of us drawing it out for another 6 months, but no, back to the wooing, etc. then it's back to the condescending, petty, little quips then rip my insides apart. We've been in this vicious cycle for the bulk of our relationship. Yet, I still believed in love and staying quiet. Trying to appease, thinking, I need him. I'm a Nurturer. I feel like such a fool. I feel used.

Last Friday he dumped me. Basically told me I was bad for him. He was tired of being angry all the time. When asked, he did say he loved me, but love is just an emotion and he didn't need it. He thinks he is so smart and above everything and everyone. Condescending and critical, said I bored him. Said he was in a severely damaged state and he needs to move on and take care of himself. His damaged state is all my fault. He said I enabled him and he deserves better. Blames all of his addiction problems on me. He said he never wanted children. He belittled me for being a mother. When my daughter had a baby, that was the last straw. If baby was going to be a part of our household then he wasn't. My daughter has her own place, but he felt the baby was intrusive and he didn't want a baby in his house. What kind of person can be this way?!?

In the 10 years we have been together, I've paid all the bills, catered to his moods, and played the dutiful. Never has he introduced me to any of his friends. Due to his paranoia, no one was allowed in our house, so my friends are non-existent. He prided himself on "being off the grid."

My head tells me, this is the best thing to happen to me, but my heart is still breaking. I fluctuate between crying, and being pissed off. The pissed off part of me moved all of his stuff into his man-cave and there it sits. For him to leave, he had to borrow a car from me. He sent me a text on Wednesday to tell me he would most likely be returning the car on Monday. The thought of Monday is making me insane. I want to be indifferent. I know he is incapable a genuine love. He's made me doubt myself and question what kind of person I am. The fact that I want him to hurt makes me question myself.

His poker had modest success and all his money went to "build" his bankroll. Well, his bankroll is sitting in my safety deposit box. He has a key and will probably get it on Monday. $9000.00 His precious. Am I a bad person for wanting to take something from him that will make him actually feel? I know it's wrong and I'm not the sort of person who would do that, but it feels good to think about it.

I keep telling myself, one day at a time. Stop obsessing over his words. Stop giving him power over me. It's easy to say, much harder to do. I'm trying to maintain no contact and hopefully, if I WILL stay strong on Monday.