And again

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#1 Sep 19 - 2PM
florence7
florence7's picture

And again

I am posting this so people like me, who can't accept that their N is an N, that still hope that there is good in them, that just cannot seem to enforce total NC, can know that it just gets worse and worse. It will not stop until you stop it. There is no hope. It is taking me a very very long time. I know I am moving forward, I have been able to see his behaviour as abusive alongside feeling like I have may have the strength soon to make a choice to leave it behind. All this time, I have been looking for confirmation that he truly is a Narcissist, that he will never change, that he will not stop abusing me, that he really never loved me and it was not real. Although others kept saying it to me, I could not believe it. I am learning the hard way, as he continues to treat me like dirt and I continue to let him, in the name of 'being sure'. I know there are others out there feeling the same way. This narcissist stuff is REAL. It really is.
I saw my husband on Sunday. I didn't enjoy it, I saw his inner rage and turmoil. On Tuesday, he sent me a nice email about how seeing me was good for his soul. I replied that I could not believe him as I could see he was live, right then, on a dating site. He replied the next day that he was 'trying to delete his profile, which was actually very hard'. Yep, it takes 2/3 days to look at how to delete it and still not do it.
Yesterday was our anniversary and we spoke. Or rather, he abused me for 2 hours. And because I was exhausted and unwell, because it was late at night and our anniversary, and I couldn't bear it, I went into my sobbing, abused victim role, while he attacked, mindfucked and twisted every innocent topic of conversation into complete and utter craziness. I could not speak without being snarled at that I was rude, patronising, boring, impossible, talking about the wrong subject, don't understand what I do to people, needed to admit he was right and apologise, how he had no good memories of us, how I made him angry, and did I know how irritating it was to hear someone whimpering and crying on the other end of the phone? I hated myself as I capitulated. I knew it was all so fucking sick, I could hear his hateful controlling abuse and I knew it for what it was, but I couldn't hang up. I was back in the game. At least for those two hours. I wish I could have recorded it and listened to it today.
And I feel shit. Really shit. I am finally beginning to believe that they do not feel normal emotions, and ACT. I could not understand how that was possible, how the intense love I saw from him at first was not real, but instead was just a high, an obsession with hooking me in, how the years of intensity and not being able to to part because of 'our love' did not actually mean that he loved me. He could not let the CONTROL over me go.
BELIEVE IT, before your N chews you up and spits you out.
To all that have posted to help me before and who are probably frustrated with my seeming idiocy - I promise I am getting there. I HATE that it is taking me so long, that I cannot take a leap of faith, or actually just take the evidence based on his SHITTY actions to me, and that I am having to have it proved to me, slowly, with a lot of pain. I am working on it, and on me.

Sep 20 - 12AM
trouble
trouble's picture

Stay strong

Sep 19 - 3PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

The real question is when you

Sep 19 - 3PM (Reply to #4)
florence7
florence7's picture

Yes, I agree...I know what I

Sep 19 - 2PM
spinning
spinning's picture

keep working on it, flo

spinning

Sep 19 - 4PM (Reply to #2)
florence7
florence7's picture

I think I'm ready to accept