Breaking the Bonds

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#1 Sep 18 - 4PM
trouble
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Breaking the Bonds

Hi all,
I'm on a business trip in the narc's town, so I've been posting a lot. This board and Goldie's group are really helping me so much right now, thank you!

I have a necklace that a friend gave me on my birthday last year in August--13 months ago? It is a wish necklace. It is a small silver wishbone on a delicate silk cord. You make a wish, put your necklace on, and when your wish comes true, your necklace falls off. Well, a year ago, I wished to forget about the narc. That was my wish. The necklace never fell off. It has felt like a heavy weight around my neck, but I've been waiting for it to finally wear down and come off.

Not only that, but I am a little superstitious and I've heard that when the clasp of your necklace goes around to the front of your neck, someone is thinking about you. You make a wish and turn the clasp around to the back. What is weird is that when the narc was in my life after the last hoover, it would turn around to the front and then I would get an email or message from him. It was bizarre. It was like some kind of antennae. I felt like this necklace was some kind of psychic cord to him. I've been NC now for 2 months and the stupid necklace has still not fallen off, and the clasp still turns to the front every so often. I would tell myself that he was thinking about me (I wanted that to be true, I wanted him to think I was special, to remember me and regret how he treated me).

About a week ago I was feeling really upset at him, angry, used, disappointed, disgusted, etc. I grabbed the necklace and wanted to rip it off my neck. Make my wish come true. But no, I waited.

This morning, while on my business trip, I went for a swim in the ocean. I had decided it was time to take the bull by the horns and MAKE this stop. Get rid of the antennae to the narc, let go of the fantasy that my wish would just come true without effort on my part. I went out into the ocean, grabbed the necklace, said a few affirmations (I choose me, I am special, I am loved, I choose to not engage, I choose to not re-traumatize myself) ... and I tugged on the necklace. It came off so easily into my hand, I let it go and watched it glitter and glint down to the bottom of the ocean. I said goodbye, and that was that.

I thought I would feel sad. Or happy. Or something. It just felt right. It felt like I had done the right thing. Left that wish necklace here in the ocean where he lives. He can have it. I'm done with it.

I feel like I cut the psychic cord that bonded me to him. It felt good.

I feel teary writing this, but I know that I can't wait for me to forget him. It isn't going to magically happen. Doing that little ritual today felt like me taking control of the situation and letting myself drive this process instead of letting this drive me.

Thanks for reading,
Trouble

Sep 19 - 7AM
Lorraine
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Trouble, Everything I hear

Sep 19 - 11AM (Reply to #5)
trouble
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Thanks, Lorraine

Sep 18 - 10PM
Newandhopeful
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Good Work Trouble

Sep 18 - 10PM (Reply to #2)
trouble
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Thank you!

Sep 18 - 10PM (Reply to #3)
Newandhopeful
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You didn't blubber at all. I