First day NC is confusing

So this is officially my first day of NC and the day isn't even over. I did a one on one with Goldie last night and it helped tremendously. Very worth it if you are thinking about it. It helped me validate that I'm not crazy and it allowed me to take some of the blame off myself although I continue to do it still. I've had ups and downs all day but today I feel mostly anger. I still am having trouble wrapping my head around the ex who has been dangled in my face for so long and was thrown in my face in my final discard. Even though it was explained to me that this ex may just be a propt to hurt me and she may not even be in the picture anymore it still bothers me and I can't help but feel less than her. I left my husband for this monster. Things were not good in my marriage and I thought I would finally live happily ever after but I'm realizing or have for awhile that things were never as bad as this. I was never played with like this. The old saying the devil that you know is better than the devil that you don't is so true in my case. I don't know what I will do from here. I never want to see my narc again. I feel sick thinking I let him ever touch me. I would never love a monster like him. I would never let someone like that have any ounce of my love. But I still feel love and wish he would love me back. Crazy. I don't want him to ever call me again but ay the same time I feel if he did all this pain would just go away. I have fantasized throughout the day how I would tell him off and even made up dialogues in my head what I would say. I even thought if he called to play mind games with him just to get even. I've thought about contacting the ex. But I would never do that. I even thought about egging his house. immature I know. And I thought about a fantasy reunion where he would say I'm sorry I messed up I love you I'll never hurt you again. But I know he won't and I know if he did he will just hurt me. Does anyone else feel crazy like this.